Bullet Mouth has taken off for some last-minute soul searching at the foothills of the Himalayas. The return date remains TBD, but you can submit your questions on life matters big and small here so that question fodder accumulates over the interim.
10) You’ve stopped sleeping on the weekends because sleep is what the weekdays are for.
9) Your body composition is at least 20% doner kebab and/or currywurst.
8) You haven’t smiled at a stranger in over a year.
7) The phrase “But is is Bio?” passes your lips at least twice a day.
6) You’ve grown to like the smell of smoke-steeped clothing.
5) You think becoming a Flaschensammler is a totally viable backup plan if a “real job” fails to materialize.
4) In an effort to beat the up-and-coming-neighborhood curve, you’re ready to move to the outerlands of Marzahn.
3) You think it’s totally normal to hang around at a cafe all afternoon on a Tuesday.
2) Your disgust for tourists now officially trumps your hatred of punks. And punks’ dogs.
1) You think everyone in the whole wide world should move there. Not that you’d want them to.
A cigarette every now and then is no sin, but your take-it-or-leave-it attitude is not something that everyone can pull off. Give me a cigarette and before you know it, I’m chain smoking like an elderly slot machine junkie in Reno. But just because you can smoke at your leisure doesn’t mean that you should. How do you feel the next day? Like crap? Right. It’s safe to say that while you may not be in the fast lane to a tracheotomy, the occasional cigarette is in no way good for you. I’d cut it out completely, if you can. Plus, your smoking friends are tired of bumming to you.
My sister and I have an ongoing argument about social smoking - is it really bad, or is it OK sometimes? As in, am I doing permanent damage to my lungs by bumming a cigarette at a party every few weeks? I’ve been doing it for years, and it hasn’t morphed into a full-on habit, but my sister swears I’m committing some kind of mortal sin.
10. Half your social circle spends more time alone with computers than with people. The other half are in bands.
9. You only drink beer and kombucha that you brewed yourself, which you accompany with homemade pretzels and bio mustard from the farmers’ market.
8. There is no method of transport that you don’t bitch about. There’s no car parking, the buses are slow, Bart is dirty, biking is dangerous…
7. You regularly eat at gourmet food trucks and expensive sit-down restaurants that serve corndogs.
6. You’ve given up brushing your hair because the wind makes it go feral anyway.
5. You’re totally fine overpaying to live in a mildewy Victorian so long as it has Character.
4. You’re on a first-name-basis with your block’s crackhead/wino/gutter punk.
3. You no longer notice the smell of weed.
2. You’d rather eat your own tongue than a burrito made outside of the Bay Area.
1. You’ve forgotten what seasons are.
Are you really not supposed to wear white after Labor Day?
Fashion rules built around the calendar were invented by women who were overly occupied with social customs and actually had seasonal wardrobes to fret over. Today, unless you’re Anna Wintour, your wardrobe is seasonally mixed. The wonders of modern central heating: you can wear cotton sweaters in the winter! And, conversely, thanks to AC you need to wear a wool sweater to the movie theater in the summer. Mixing it up is not only practical (layering opportunities ahoy!) but makes things more interesting, like when you have to think of a way to winterize your favorite romper to avoid frostbite. In short: be pragmatic. I’d avoid wearing white in high slush season (if you live in a snowy climate), or when in close proximity to small, sticky children. Or, you know, if you often spill all over yourself.
A couple that I am close to broke up. I was friends with both of them equally, and now I don’t know what to do. The break was initiated by one, but both decided it was for the best. Now they don’t want to be in the same room together. How do I preserve my social circle?
You can’t preserve the crew - at least not initially. If you try to stay neutral, chances are that you’ll just wind up a crappy friend to both of them. It would be great to live in a world in which everyone put their egos aside and just got along, but it takes some time for the dust to settle in this type of situation - they’re hurt, at least one of them feels wronged, and you can’t fix that. So until a year or so has passed, or both are happily paired with other people, stick with the friend you knew first. If you got to know them at the same time, then pick the one you like best. If you can’t decide which you like best, pick the one who you feel enriches your life the most. If you still can’t decide, then bust out some romcom-esque hijinks and make them get back together so that you don’t have to deal with this dilemma.
I don’t have any tattoos but I really like to look at other people’s. Is it creepy to check out people’s tats on the subway? I don’t stare but I have a hard time looking away from really cool ones.
Darting, sidelong glances aren’t that much lower on the creepy scale than staring. Some people may get tattoos for attention (face tattoos, hello), but I think most people tat up because their image(s) of choice holds special meaning for them, and they probably don’t care if you, perfect stranger, think it’s cool. Your staring-not-staring is like asking someone you don’t know a personal question (“Dude, where’d that scar come from?”) or touching a preggo lady’s belly. Try not to do it. You can always get a cool tattoo of your own and stare at that, you rebel you.
10. You wouldn’t flinch at paying $20 for a cocktail.
9. You no longer even see homeless people - you’d swear there are none outside your building, but you’d be wrong.
8. You go out so often that a simple night at home making dinner and reading a book seems like a luxury.
7. You live in a constant state of fear that you might somehow contract bedbugs. You may involuntarily scratch phantom itches.
6. You start saying things like, “I actually prefer small bedrooms. They’re compact, like a ship.”
5. Your wardrobe is 75% black - or very dark blue, or gray…
4. You audibly scoff when stuck behind slow-walking tourists.
3. Your local bartender has become your BFF. Only the mahogany bar separates your brains.
2. You’ve forgotten where, exactly, Kansas and Utah are.
1. You’re officially over your fear of rats. Cockroaches too.
What’s the deal with kombucha? Is it safe to drink? And why the hell is it so expensive?
Kombucha is like tea, but the fizziness that makes it unique is a byproduct of a giant yeast blob that flourishes just about anywhere dark. The drink has presumed immune system benefits, and store-bought kombucha that’s been pasteurized is safe to drink. The pasteurization process halts fermentation (so you won’t get drunk off the stuff) and banishes the kinds of bacteria that you don’t want.
The $4.00+ price tag per bottle presumably comes from the cost of brewing and marketing this tasty goo, but it’s also because it’s new - the novelty has kept prices high. If you can’t get enough of the stuff, and trust yourself to take a DIY approach, you can apparently make your own rather easily. Getting started requires little more than some water, tea and a snip off of a mother (ie. the culture that floats on the top of a vat of kombucha), so call up your tree-hugging friends for one.
Yes, kombucha is totally the new home beer brewing.
How do I tell my boss to get a Mac instead of an IBM, new glasses, a different haircut, new shirts – actually new everything – to be cool and credible in his business?
The best way to get someone to do something is to make him think that it was his own brilliant idea. Your boss sounds fairly oblivious to his unstylishness, so it’s going to take more than dropping subtle hints or strewing style magazines around the office for him to wake up and smell the hipster artisan coffee. The computer issue can be handled directly, a la, “Hey Chief, I read an article in (insert credible source) about (insert credible value) % of businesses like ours opting for Macs instead of PCs because of increased productivity (resistance to viruses, etc). Do you think we should look into that?”
Getting him to change his personal style is more of a challenge. But, when Ghandi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world,” he was obviously talking about fashion. Instead of telling your boss that his style blows, channel the Mahatma and lead by example. Make sure that your glasses are cutting-edge, your haircut is awesome, your shirts are well tailored and that you act cool and credible. Basically, make sure you’re showing him up. If he’s still an embarrassment, work your way around to personal style the next time you’re talking about company image and strategy. Ask his opinion on whether the company’s overall image needs a makeover or some third party consultation. Posed as such, it opens the floor to a style discussion without making him feel targeted.
I just found out that a new friend doesn’t drink alcohol. That’s totally cool by me, but short of only hanging out with her during the day, how do I work her into my social life? I don’t invite her out to bars, right? What about get-togethers where there will be alcohol?
Though it’s hard to imagine living in a booze-laden metropolis - or even a one-saloon town - as a teetotaler, recent summer-related excesses have got many of us contemplating the potential benefits of going off the sauce. Namely, “hair of the dog” and “alcohol shits” would cease to be an integral part of our vocabularies, cash would start piling up and we’d probably all lose ten pounds. Most of us would also have to completely overhaul our social lives.
If your friend doesn’t drink by choice, due to religious beliefs or medical constraints, then don’t worry about it too much. She made a choice she’s comfortable with and is probably accustomed to socializing with those who drink. She may not want to meet you and the crew at a bar on Friday night, but inviting her to your next boozy dinner party shouldn’t be an issue.
If your friend doesn’t drink due to dependency issues, it’s a different story. Until you know her well enough to ask whether she’s comfortable being in bars or around alcohol, assume that she’s not. Pick activities and locales that are more of the Disney variety: no bars, no parties and certainly no strip joints. Meeting for lunch or coffee is always safe, as is going to a museum or the movies. Your goal is to be supportive, and removing alcohol from the situation obviously helps. Just be sure not to skirt the issue entirely or treat her like a wounded animal - either of these is annoying enough to, well, drive a person to drink.
10) Walking up stairs. Especially in public places. Doesn’t matter how well you’ve mastered the art of walking while texting/scrolling, you are holding people up and will one day fall flat on your face.
9) In a meeting. If a meeting is so boring that you need constant hits from your CrackBerry, then it’s probably not a meeting worth attending. If it is an important (or obligatory) meeting, turn you phone upside down and pay attention.
8) At a concert. Unless something really crazy is happening (think Ozzy biting the head off that bat) you’re probably better off witnessing than documenting.
7) At a movie. There should only be one bright screen in a theater.
6) At a funeral. A final exit deserves your full attention.
5) At a wedding. You, dearly beloved, are not gathered to update your FourSquare church badge collection.
4) During Sex. Unless you absolutely need new fodder for your rampant sexting habit.
3) In the delivery room. You should be focused on Oh So Many other things.
2) Seated at a restaurant. No one cares what your meal looks like and Yelping while eating is just so uncivilized.
1) Driving. Your attentions are so diverted, you may just fall victim to an auto-correct catastrophe! Or, you know, kill someone.
I know of a room in an apartment that’s opening up in a few weeks and want to jump at it, but is that too little warning to give my roommates? I like them, but we’re not close and I never made it out that I was going to stay in our current place for the long term.
Ideally you would give your roommates at least a month’s notice, unless you can find someone suitable to take over your room before then, or if your roommates exhibit behavior warranting a premature exit - this includes, but is not limited to, going through your shit, exhibiting major hygiene issues, and blasting Nickelback on auto-repeat. In terms of finding a suitable replacement, keep in mind that the standards should be your roommates’, not yours, so don’t go picking the first willing Tom, Dick or Harry who responds to your Craigslist ad.
Start showing your room immediately - i.e. post your ad NOW - and come up with a list of three good candidates your roommates can choose from. If you find someone who is pleasing to all parties and can move in right when you move out, then you have the green light. If you can’t find someone and still want to take the other place, you should offer to pay however many weeks fall between giving notice and a full month elapsing. Basically, this is a situation in which you should follow the Golden Rule: act how you would want someone to act if they were moving out of your place.
A friend of mine just finished a five day juice cleanse and swears by it. I’m pretty skeptical when it comes to such things, but now I’m seriously considering it. Or is this a bad idea?
Spoken as a non-doctor, with all the caveats that implies: Please don’t cleanse yourself. It’s extremely difficult to believe that it actually does a body good to go several days on just juice, or maple syrup, lemons, cayenne, and whatever the hell else they claim is healthy - especially if you have to go out into the world and function normally. Besides leaving you crazy hungry, cleanses also tend to get rid of all of the good little bugs in your body while they are supposedly flushing out the bad.
The School of Common Sense dictates better ways to jump start your system, ways that don’t involve cayenne pepper-induced hallucinations. Why not just do a few days of healthy soups and salads? Stuff some kale down your gullet! Or what about utterly simple, easily digested baby food? Call me crazy, but a weekend of pureed peas and peaches sounds heavenly AND purifying. And hey, if it’s good for baby, it’s good for you.
If, however, you’re absolutely set on spending several days sitting on the toilet while also being hungry, make sure you do your research. Look things up on the intertubes, consult your doctor or ask your friend to guide you through it. And if you have any “spiritual breakthroughs” mid-cleanse, be sure and let us know.
Is it safe to upload photos of my friends and I partying onto Facebook?
This is most certainly a personal choice. I like to let my hair down every now and then, and if this revelry happens to be documented, then by golly I want everyone to see just how much fun I’m having. Problem is, my definition of “everyone” does not include my grandma, boss or childhood friends that I haven’t talked to in 15 years. You shouldn’t be ashamed of who you are, but only your close friends should see how sweaty you get while you’re dancing, the horrible face you make after a tequila shot, or that one of your hobbies is dumpster diving in your pajamas.
Make good use of your privacy settings. Create a Limited Profile and add to it anyone who you don’t speak with on a fairly regular basis. You should also change your settings so that you receive an email alert when you’re tagged in a photo; make sure to detag yourself quickly in the less than flattering ones. You can’t require approval before you’re tagged in a photo, but you can change your settings so that any photo of you is automatically blocked from everyone else’s view.
That being said, Facebook’s security settings always seem to be changing, so it’s best to avoid uploading racy and/or incriminating photos altogether. Just because it was hilarious when your friend did a keg stand in a bikini and all her bits fell out doesn’t mean you need to share the photo with the world. The best strategies here are caution and vigilance. When you upload photos, think to yourself whether anyone might be embarrassed by them, and ask your friends to do the same. Keep an eye on what you’re being tagged in, check your profile regularly, and you’ll be just fine.
